Falcons Forum

Shock and sadness is filling Falconland today, as it has become evident that the Falcons kitty has run dry.

As is the usual custom, the impenetrable coffee can that serves as the Falcons' bank vault is kept in the off-season by whoever is the last to leave after the team is inevitably beaten in the playoff tournament. this year, that task was dropped on Dinner. Outgoing President Dunn (as he was then known) had to stick around to the end of the WMSPL Playoff Tournament final game to award the hardware to the deserving winning team.

This morning, Dinner went rifling through the can, as he is known to do, probably looking for a couple bucks to buy a pack of smokes, or a six of Miller Chill ("Beer flavoured pop," says Dinner). To his chagrin, the can was completely empty! As is the popular opinion of people who don't like to fact-check their idiot opinions, the Falcons win EVERYTHING. And with winning everything comes 10 Kings' worth of riches. That can must have had, what? $12 in it?

Dinner immediately notified Chief Falcons Law Enforcement Officer Richard "Slim" Minnott

I spoke to Slim as he was finishing off his initial investigation.

"OK, for one thing, this garage is a MESS!" Sean! Clean yourself up! You call this presidential? I can barely do an electric slide in here without tripping over kids toys, summer tires, and what appears to be the bats that went missing from Xtreme's bat bag! YOU CALL THIS COFFEE?!?

"Anyway, I have finished the initial checks, and I've come up with a few suspects:

* Doug Short: He's the obvious choice here. He lives around the corner, and everyone knows about all the money he lost taking "pretend" bets in the playoffs last year. Who gives those kind of odds for a Bradley upset? They'd already beat Storm in the regular season! Who didn't see this coming? Doug, apparently.

* "The Legend" Jerry Tone: He's retired, or at least he should be. May not have saved enough for retirement, what with all those trips to Niagara and the "Rainbow Down Under" or the "Sparkle Shaft" or whatever those establishments are called. I personally wouldn't know about anything like that.

* Barry "I didn't get rich by writing a lot of cheques" Thompson: The bearing business isn't what it used to be. And as everyone knows, people with money have no problem stealing more.

"I have contacted and assigned Chief Falcons Auditor Cas "Tank" Litwin to audit the beer kitty, in case this isn't a case of theft, but one of embezzlement. I have complete confidence in Cas. He's near, if not at the top of the list of most trusted Falcons.

"Cas has agreed to release the findings of his audit this Sunday at noon. Stay tuned to this space at that time for Cas file his report."