Falcons Forum

With only a week in the books in the 2022 regular season, it's too early to take the results of six games and make logical, level-headed arguments about trends, team strengths, team weaknesses, etc.

Good thing we don't rely on logic for this column.

It's time for hot takes, exaggerated claims, and baseless accusations (is Storm tanking?).

Let's get to it!

THE HAVES

#1. THE CREW
(1-0 Overall; Tied for 1st in President's Division)
(Rank last week: 1)

The Crew exploded out of the gate like a Victoria Day bottle rocket, scoring 29 runs and earning a double-digit victory over Broadway. Their aforementioned 29 run output was the highest of the first week, earning them top spot in the rankings.

#2. A'S
(1-0 Overall; Tied for 1st in President's Division)
(Rank last week: 3)

It took SIX dingers, but the A's won their opener against Storm, scoring 25 in the process. Of the six moon shots, NONE were hit by two-time defending home run champion Luige. Was it because he didn't play? Maybe, I wasn't there. Was it because he's secretly hurt, suffering from a secret upper-body-lower-body combination injury caused by a self-inflicted wanking accident? I'm not sure which of those two options is more likely, but I can assure you one would be more hilarious than the other. Tony's 96-home run pace seems unsustainable, but so does a 75-year monarchy.

#3. SURGE
(1-0 Overall; Tied for 1st in Vice President's Division)
(Rank last week: 7)

Surge continues a years-long trend of improvement, winning their first game and plating 24 runs in the process. This puts them on a 32-0 pace that would set a record for winning percentage in the league over a full season.

#4. TRIPLE PLAY
(1-0 Overall; Tied for 1st in Vice President's Division)
(Rank last week: 4)

Triple Play laid a beating on the expansion Expos, winning 22-9, and welcoming the Expos into the league with a hazing so brutal, there's consideration of an investigation. Their flagulation was surely the manifestation of frustration over an extendidation of the off-seasonation.

#5. THE BUELLERS
(1-0 Overall; Tied for 1st in Vice President's Division)
(Rank last week: 8)

I picture this game starting with Andrew Carleton hustling in from the parking lot carrying his jar of nickles and quarters to ensure no player played without fully paying the league dues. The only major difference between reality and what I picture in my head is that in my head, Carleton's wearing a shirt. Anyway, the Buellers will ride Derek Ackford as far as he'll take them, up to and possibly including a VP Division Championship.

#6. HANET PLASTICS
(1-0 Overall; Tied for 1st in President's Division)
(Rank last week: 1)

How often do you win and drop 5 spots? When the rankings are based solely on runs scored, that's how. Hanet was their usual calm selves, holding off the Falcons in the bottom of the seventh getting TWO outs with the go-ahead run at the plate with a big bat. No one should be surprised by that.

THE HAVE NOTS

#7. ISOTOPES (tie)
(0-1; Tied for last in Vice President's Division)
(Rank last week: 12)

The Isotopes jumped all the way from 12th to 6th owing to scoring 23 runs in a loss to Surge to open the season. Even more impressive, they did it without hitting a single home run. More likely, no one's shown the team rep how to input homers into the league website. Still!

#7. STORM (tie)
(0-1 Overall; tied for last in President's Division)
(Rank last week: 5)

Storm, obviously the tankiest bunch of tankers who ever tanked, are trying to produce a REVERSE 2015 STORM season and go 2-30 to secure a Horse's Ass draft exemption pick for 2023. Stealthily, they're going to do it by setting a league record for average runs per game at 23. Joey has obviously lost all skill, as he didn't hit a single home run in the loss, and Duran has lost a dozen or so steps (whatever number he would have to lose to get back down to league-average speed).

#9. COULAS BONE CRUSHERS
(0-1 Overall; tied for last in Vice President's Division)
(Rank last week: 10)

When it comes to Coulas, familiarity definitely DOES NOT breed contempt. Bringing four Bone Crushers back from the COVID list bore results in the run column, if not in the win column.

#10. BROADWAY
(0-1 Overall; Tied for last in President's Division)
(Rank last week: 6)

Broadway stumbled in their opener, only scoring 13 runs ("only"...) while stepping in front of potential league-juggernaut The Crew.

#11. FALCONS
(0-1 Overall; Tied for last in President's Division)
(Rank last week: 9)

The Falcons could only manage 10 runs, and couldn't come through at crunch time with the winning run at the plate in an opening night loss to Hanet. Some say that key absences from the line up (and we don't mean Goliath) contributed to a lack of chutzpah.

#12. THE EXPOS
(0-1 Overall; Tied for last in Vice President's Division)
(Rank last week: 11)

In a result that will almost assuredly not represent the norm for the expansion Expos, they managed to score a league-low 9 runs this week and dropped their opening day game to Triple Play.

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